Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

You can find my humorous erotic ebooks on I-Tunes, Kobo, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords. They are always free!!!

Monday, July 24, 2017

The Arse Play's The Thing

This is the second of my stories inspired by a visit to the offices of legendary Australian porn site Girls Out West. Rosie is both a model and a photographer/videographer on the site, and she likes pegging, hence the story.


Rosie looking radiant

“It’s an incident which will go down in the annals (or should that be anals?) of the Melbourne University Dramatic Society,” Rosie declared decisively, as she gently stroked the soft and glorious globes of LuLu’s naked bottom.

“I was playing the male lead in a production of the ancient Greek classic Lysistrata…” she explained.

“The male lead?” asked LuLu.

“Yes, the male parts were all played by girls and the female parts by guys. And the best part was that I got to wear a huge cock. It’s traditional with this kind of play,” added Rosie with a cheeky smile.

Then she stuck her right index finger in her mouth and slobbered all over it. “The play is by a guy named Aristophanes,” she whispered conspiratorially in LuLu’s ear. “But I call him ARSE-STUFF-PHANES,” she giggled, as she slid her spit-slippery digit as deep as it would go into her lover’s tight but eagerly receptive rectum.

“Mmmm, I like Mr. Arse-Stuff-Phanes already,” moaned LuLu, wriggling around on Rosie’s finger in a way that just happened to cause her stiff clit to slide around deliciously on the silk sheets.

The glorious globes of LuLu's naked bottom
“We used modern costumes and realistic, but oversized cocks,” Rosie continued. “My phallus was attached strap-on style beneath my tight black jeans and it stuck out through the open fly.

“Lysistrata was played by Mark Phelps, captain of the University football team. A real spunk. Not your typical drama nerd. He wore a lovely flowery summer dress and a wig of luxuriant red hair. I can’t say he made a convincing woman, even with the fake boobs and the red lippy. But he lost none of his sex appeal.

“Now you have to understand that Mark was a bit of a  lady’s man. A cocky bastard. So the way he was acting around me while we were doing the play came as a bit of a surprise. I’d catch him giving me strange looks and when I did he’d blush as red as a beetroot. When we had cause to speak to each other backstage he seemed positively shy. You would have thought he was the campus virgin, not the Casanova of the football field.

“During the final performance, when we were sitting backstage at interval I noticed that he was staring at my cock, obviously lost in a dream of some kind.

“‘I like to call him Dick Dastardly,’ I chuckled, wrapping my hand around it and sliding it up and down in a wanking motion.’

“When I looked down at Mark’s lap he had a massive boner tenting his dress.

“‘Oh, ho!’ I cried, playfully. ‘I think you like girls with dicks.’

“He went bright red and started to stammer. Poor guy.

“‘It’s something we have in common,’ I confessed, sliding my hand up under his dress and onto the seven inches of rigid manhood which was sticking up through the fly of his boxers.

The frontispiece to Norman Lindsay's illustrated version of Lysistrata
“’What would you like a girl with a dick to do to you?’ I whispered the question seductively in his ear. ‘I bet you’d like to be Rosie’s bum slut, wouldn’t you?’ The way his cock twitched in my hand and the dribble of pre-cum over my fingers gave me my answer.

“‘You can’t go out on stage like that,’ I laughed. ‘We’ve got another ten minutes. Let’s go back in the flats where no-one can see us. It wouldn’t do for anyone to catch the leading man sucking the leading lady’s cock.’

“‘I’ll let you in on a little secret,’ I confided, as I knelt in front of Mark and pulled down his boxers while he held up his dress. ‘If I move my dick up and down like a lever the base of it rubs against me clit in the most delicious way. I can get off like that very easily.’ So that’s what I did while I slurped away on Mark’s hard prick. It wasn’t long before he filled my mouth with his salty jizz and I felt a warm quivery orgasm spread through my body.

“Now maybe I made a mistake by letting Mark in on my little secret, because, while we were on stage he kept finding excuses to grab my cock and pump it up and down. It didn’t fit with the action of the play and it made it very hard for me to remember my lines. In the end though, neither of us cared. We couldn’t stop giggling. I’m sure everyone thought we were on dope.

“This was the final performance. What did anything matter now? I’d already got a pretty bad review on opening night. Notorious critic Quentin Throsby gave the play overall a fair rating, but he said that my performance was an embarrassment. He said I seemed to be more interested in strutting around waving my phallus at the audience than I was in really trying to inhabit my role. O.K. He had a point. But I still think he would have gone easier on me if it weren’t for the fact that my cock was probably bigger than his.

“That evening Mark and I had a date in one of the upstairs bedrooms of the house where the end of season party was being held. Everyone was there, even Throsby had turned up to avail himself of the free booze.

“‘Not as realistic, but kinder on the sphincter,’ I explained to Mark as I strapped on a modestly-sized clear plastic dildo. Both of us were enjoying our first sight of the other completely naked. Out of his costume, Mark had the physique of a Greek statue, but with lots of hair on his chest and legs. From the stiffness of his cock, I could tell he liked the way I looked as well.

Rosie wearing a strap-on looks a little bit like Rosie holding a banana in front of her pussy
“‘First a little appetiser,” I declared, pushing him forcefully onto his hands and knees on the bed. Then I spread his butt cheeks and licked his wrinkled arse-hole. He wasn’t expecting that. But from his ecstatic sigh I could tell he loved it.

“‘Are you ready to be violated by a bottom-buggering little bitch?’” I asked. It was a rhetorical question.

“‘I want you in my arse, Rosie,’ he declared proudly. ‘Fuck me long and deep.’

“His bravery was impressive, but I eased him into this brave new world with a little lubed finger action. When I knew he was ready, I gave him the cock. Slowly his anus stretched over the lube-slippery plastic dick until all resistance was overcome. With a slurping sound it slid all the way in and my belly slapped against his hairy bottom.

“Mark really took to being buggered like a duck takes to water. An hour later we were back at it, only now, due to the heat we were out on the bedroom’s balcony with Mark leaning up against the railing, and me reaching around to wank his throbbing cock. What we didn’t notice was that many of the other party guests had also made their way outside into the garden to cool off. Our little anal orgy was not going unobserved.

“Quentin Throsby looked up at us dumbstruck. His mouth was open as it usually is. It was just like watching someone shoot a water pistol into a clown’s mouth at the carnival. Mark shot his load into the warm evening air and it arced through the twilight straight into Throsby’s gaping maw.”

“That’ll teach him for saying nasty things about you,” LuLu laughed.

“At first I felt sorry for him,” admitted Rosie. “But now I realise that his desire to be the centre of attention greatly outweighs any capacity he may have to feel humiliated.”

Rosie really has balls!!!!

“What happened to Mark?” asked LuLu.

“He was embarrassed that his peccadillo had been so publicly exposed,” she replied.

“His pecker?” LuLu queried.

“The fact that he was a bum slut,” Rosie explained.

“So it wasn’t a happy ending for him?”

“In the end it was. As is so often the way, embarrassment is but the rite of passage into an exciting new world. A significant number of the female guests at the party found themselves curiously aroused by what they had seen. As word spread, so did curiosity amongst the female student body about what it would be like to have a hunky guy bend over and take it from them. With a shortage of guys keen to take and a plethora of girls wanting to give, let’s just say that Mark’s “dance card” was full.”

“And so was his bum hole,” LuLu concluded the tale for her. “And now it’s my turn. Get your finger out. Give me a really big butt plug instead.”

Rosie likes a good yarn, especially if it is by Aussiescribbler

Friday, June 16, 2017

Darcy's Wet Dream

This is the first of two stories inspired by a visit to the offices of legendary Australian porn site Girls Out West, when I got to meet two of their staff/models, Darcy and Rosie.

Darcy from Girls Out West
“I wonder if I should bake her an apple pie?” wondered Darcy, as she luxuriated in the blue inflatable wading pool in her backyard. She was thinking about her neighbour Mrs. Jones, who had been watering the lemon tree in her front yard while Darcy was instructing the moving men where to put her furniture the day before. Mrs. Jones seemed very friendly, a warm smile lighting up her tanned face, strands of grey hair escaping the loosely formed bun.

But with the warm sun caressing her damp skin, it wasn’t long before Darcy’s mind wandered off in a different direction. She began thinking about a girl she really fancied at her work. Rosie was always getting up to mischief.

“If I were the boss, I’d give her a spanking,” Darcy grinned.

The thought of pulling Rosie over her knee and taking down her panties was all it took to drive Darcy over the edge.

“No-one’s around,” she told herself as she slid her right hand down the front of her full blue bikini bottoms and began rubbing her stiff clit.

Suddenly she was transported from the inflatable wading pool to a full-sized indoor swimming pool. And guess who was the lifesaver? None other than Rosie.

“Help! Help!” cried Darcy, pretending to drown. A very hammy performance, but it did the trick. Rosie, dressed in a tight blue one-piece with candy pink board shorts over the top, dived into the water and swam to her. The next thing she knew she was being dragged from the water. Rosie was stronger than she looked.

As soon as Rosie’s lips came down on hers to give her the kiss of life, Darcy slipped her tongue into her rescuer’s mouth.

“I don’t think you were drowning at all,” Rosie scolded her playfully. “I think you’re a horny little slut trying to take advantage of me.”

“No, really, I’m feeling faint,” Darcy insisted.

“Yes, you do look a little blue,” Rosie played along. “I think I better get you out of those tight restricting clothes.”

Back in the wading pool, Darcy untied her red bikini top and took it off. Then she slid off her bottoms and sat her nude bum down carefully on the plastic bottom of the pool. In her mind it was Rosie who had undressed her.

“What you need for your full recovery is pussy pleasure,” she declared, sucking on Darcy’s stiff pink nipples as she began running her finger lightly and teasingly across the little pink clit which stood up so proudly amongst Darcy’s curly red pubes. It wasn’t only pool water flowing from Darcy’s pussy.

Darcy wondered if they should be alone. Maybe not. What if there were a bunch of other hot girls there who couldn’t believe their luck to be witnessing such a sexy scene. Fifteen girls with their hands down their bikini bottoms - whimpering, wanting and wanking. Yes. Perfect. Darcy loved being watched.

Now Rosie needed to be naked. But how? Oh, let’s change the scenario. Now it’s a nudist swimming pool. Darcy’s been nude from the beginning and so has Rosie. And now all the wanking girls are nude too. Darcy can see their slim fingers sliding in and out of their juicy pussies. A definite improvement.

Rosie being silly
Darcy’s fantasies always began with a certain concern for realism, but the hornier she got and the faster she slid her fingers in and out of her quivering cunt, the more plot development and verisimilitude was washed away on a tide of nipple sucking, bum fingering and pussy juice showers all over her face.

By now Rosie had her bum pressed into Darcy’s face as she alternated between sucking on her clit and fucking her pussy with her tongue. With her mouth full of pussy, Rosie had to breath through her nose. It was a warm breeze that evaporated the wetness around Darcy’s sensitive arsehole. For her part, Darcy was licking Rosie’s hairy arsehole like it was a pink lollipop.

“I wonder if Rosie really does have a hairy arsehole that she likes having licked?” wondered Darcy. “Of course she does.”

Something about surrendering to the oncoming rush of orgasmic pleasure made Darcy feel like she was clairvoyant. She knew everybody’s secrets. And, by some strange coincidence, all of their secrets were really, really dirty.

Rosie brought Darcy to orgasm with her fingers and her tongue. As she quivered in an extended orgasm, each of the watching girls came over and squirted all over her face.

Back in the real world, Darcy opened her eyes and found herself looking into the eyes of another.

Apparently, when she’d shouted out “Help! Help!” in her dream, she had also done so in reality. And Mr. Jones, being a caring soul had leapt the fence to come to her aid. Instead he had spent the last ten minutes standing looking on in stunned silence, as his stark naked new neighbour played with her stiff pink nipples and fingered her juicy pussy. Understandably, he now had a very very hard cock.

“Oh, dear,” muttered Darcy, standing up and covering herself with a towel.

“Don’t worry, my dear,” he assured her. “We’re a very open-minded neighbourhood.”

“You must be Mr. Jones,” replied Darcy, remembering her manners and extending her hand.

Mr. Jones was too polite to mention that the hand Darcy had extend for him to shake was still wet with her pussy juice. By now he was so stiff that it was a wonder his cock wasn’t poking out over the top of his trousers.

That night, when Mr. Jones climbed into bed with his wife, she was in for quite a surprise. How long had it been? Seemed like ages. But now, as she felt her knickers come down, she wasn’t going to waste time wondering why. As her husband’s hands grasped the soft cheeks of her bottom and she felt the hardness of his cock slide home into her hot and hungry pussy, she was a happy woman.

Turns out Darcy had given her new neighbour something better than an apple pie.

Darcy thinks the story is funny