Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Indecent Descent : Wank Wednesday


Today's Wank Wednesday word is #cave. One thinks initially of cavemen or a pirate's cave. At least I do. But I've already done a caveman story and a pirate story. So I've decided to go for some sinisterly sexy spelunking. Wank Wednesday has moved. It is now hosted from Word Ejaculation. Check out that site for more information on this writing challenge and for links to all the stories.

The Indecent Descent




When Terence told the innkeeper that they were intending to crawl up Carnahan's Crack, the normally noisy patrons in the front bar of the Turd and Toadstool fell eerily silent and all eyes fell upon the trio of would-be subterranean explorers.

"Know ye not of the terrible tale of the fate of the eight," gasped the old man.

"No," replied Terence cooly, "do tell." He was a smarmy bastard.

Monty and Rosemary leaned close. They were nervous about the expedition to begin with. Monty had been cave-diving a few times, and his claustrophobia was not as severe has it had been at the start. But that was in tourist caves which had been thoroughly explored and mapped. Rosemary was Terence's wife. Like him she was in her mid-thirties and very fit. She had short mousey hair around her pretty wide-eyed face, small but well-formed breasts and a firm round arse. Monty fancied her rotten, but was too loyal to his friend, and to his own rather demanding (but non-cave-exploring) fiancée Margaret, to do anything about it.

"It were three year ago next Tuesday," continued Old Gruntwhistle, the publican. "Four men and four women there were. Experienced cave-divers by all accounts. They wriggled their way up through the tight entrance of Carnahan's Crack, one at a time, intending to explore the bowels of the Earth - the biggest network of caverns in all of England according to legend. They went in... but they never came out."

"What happened to them?" asked Rosemary anxiously.

"Nobody knows," pronounced the old man, drawing the words out so that they sounded like the wind whistling across a deserted moor.

"They probably didn't take proper precautions," said Terence. "I'm sure we'll be fine. I've been caving dozens of times. I know what I'm doing."

"There are those who say they ain't dead," Gruntwhistle added, looking around at his audience of petrified pub patrons. "There are those who say that ain't just a cave. There are those who say that Carnahan's Crack is the very gates of Hell itself. They be the one's what have heard them."

"Heard who?" Monty wanted to know.

"Heard the voices echoing out of the crack and up through the mine shafts about these parts. Not really voices so much as the howls and moans of the damned," he continued, poking Terence in the chest with a bony finger.

"I don't think I want to go any more," whimpered Rosemary.

"Me neither," Monty added.

"Stuff and nonsense," declared Terence. "Good for business in these parts, no doubt. Just like the Loch Ness Monster. Don't be taken in."

"It be no skin off my nose," huffed Gruntwhistle. "But you'll pay for last night's accommodation now. If you leave anything in your rooms I be happy to forward it to your next of kin. Just leave an address."

*           *           *
"We can't go in there after what that innkeeper said," complained Rosemary when, loaded down with packs and ropes, the trio arrived at Carnahan's Crack just after nightfall.

"I told you not to pay any attention to that old fool's ramblings," Terence replied testily.

"I think Rosemary's right," Monty put in. "We are only doing this for fun. And it isn't fun anymore."

"Well, I'm going in there anyway," insisted Terence. "If you two want to wait here for me you are welcome."

Monty and Rosemary looked around them. It was a new moon so there wasn't much light by which to see the trees of the forest. But amidst the shadows, red eyes shone out at them and they heard a low growl. Wolves.

"Maybe we could wait for you just inside the entrance to the cave," suggested Rosemary.

Carnahan's Crack was a crevice between two mighty boulders. There was a small round hole in the middle of the crevice by which one could wriggle up into a cave that was about two metres across. In the middle was the opening of a pit which dropped straight down into the earth. How deep it was was anybody's guess.


Terence was the first to push his way through the tight squeeze into the cave. Then Rosemary thrust her hands in and began to ease her way forward. She got part way in and then paused. Monty was looking nervously over his shoulder at the wolves when he heard Rosemary's voice. She was yelling to him, but  the sound didn't carry well back through the tight passage.

"I'm stuck," she cried. "You'll have to give me a push, Monty."

Monty put his hands on the lycra-clad cheeks of her round bottom and pushed. Rosemary moved through the passage and Monty's cock stiffened in his pants. That was going to make it harder for him to follow her through the tight space.

Thinking quickly Monty tied a length of rope around himself to keep his boner from becoming snagged on a rock. Then he stuck his head into the hole, worrying that, if he were not quick, the wolves might eat his legs.

Rosemary and Terence grabbed his arms and pulled him swiftly into the cave. The space was lit by Terence's powerful flashlight.

"So we'll wait for you here," said Rosemary. "Don't be long."

"Cowards," cursed Terence, tying a rope about his waist and then affixing the other end to a stalagmite.  "I told you I know what I'm doing. You'd be just as safe coming with me." Then he climbed over the edge and began making his way, hand over hand, down the side of the pit.

It was only two minutes later that the stalagmite broke, the rope snaked rapidly down the hole and Terence's girlish scream gradually faded away as he plummeted into the abyss.

"Fuck," cried Rosemary. "Now I suppose we'll have to try to rescue him."

"How are we going to do that?" asked Monty.

"You hold the end of my rope," Rosemary instructed. "I'll lower myself down."

All was going well until Rosemary reached the bottom of the pit and found that it opened into a giant cavern. Monty was able to hold her weight as long as it was lessened by her feet being propped against the side of the pit, but once she dropped into open air, he could no longer keep his balance and he fell head long down the hole.

Rosemary landed first and a short while later Monty came down on top of her. They landed on something soft and spongy. Terence's flashlight loomed up out of the dark to show them that they were sitting on the top of a giant mushroom.


"Spot of luck, hey!" exclaimed Terence, cheerfully.

"I don't know why you're so chipper," replied Rosemary angrily. "How are we supposed to get out? We'll die down here."

"We came for an adventure," he retorted. "And now we've got one. We'll find a way out. The old man mentioned mine shafts. Mine shafts often have ladders."

"I hope you're right," put in Monty nervously.

There were many passages leading out of the great cavern. They picked the one with the biggest entrance and followed it, Terence leading the way with his flashlight. Gradually the walls closed in around them until they could go no further.

"Dead end," pronounced Terence.

They turned around and went back.

Terence examined the openings of the other passages. One, which was very narrow, opened out after a few metres.

"We'll try this one," he said. And so they squeezed in after him.

For several hours they crawled through the tight space, the cold damp stone pressing in all around them. Then, finally, it opened out into another cave.

Terence scanned the area with his flashlight. Rosemary and Monty screamed at what they saw.

There, laid out carefully on the stone floor, were four skeletons.

"These must be the ones the innkeeper was talking about," cried Monty.

"But there were eight of them," pointed out Rosemary.

"The rest must be somewhere else," said Terence.

"Unless they are still alive," suggested a quaking Rosemary.

"Hogwash!" Terence exclaimed. "No-one could survive down here for three years."

Monty felt a tingle run down his spine and he looked nervously behind him.

Since this was another dead end, they made their way back to the large cavern and decided to eat some of their sandwiches and try to get some sleep.

Monty lay down on top of one of the giant mushrooms, with a flashlight beside him, and tried to sleep. But he was too anxious. Sleep wouldn't come. He could tell that Terence was not having the same problem because he could hear him snoring loudly.

Sleep did eventually wash over Monty, but he was awoken a couple of hours later by a blood-curdling scream. He grabbed his flashlight and flicked the switch. The beam of light shot up the pit down which they had fallen. He quickly scanned it around the walls of the cavern and was just in time to see Terence's horrified face disappearing down the passage they had last explored. He was being dragged feet first by someone or something.

Monty could sense something moving on the other side of cavern. He whipped the flashlight around and what he saw in its beam seriously creeped him out.

A skinny pale figure with tangled hair was watching him with big green eyes. It was a woman, a naked woman. At least, he could tell that it had once been a woman. Now it was something bestial. She had a face of haunting beauty, with eyes like glittering emeralds, but her mouth formed an idiot grin and she was drooling. As Monty moved the beam of the flashlight down her body he discover that she was crouched over a small, rather phallic, stalagmite and sliding her juicy cunt up and down its length.

"Rosemary," he cried. "I think we're fucked now."

But Rosemary was gone. He was alone with the creature.

She licked her lips and played with the stiff nipples on her nearly flat chest. And then she spoke.

"Precious want to fuck?" she hissed.

"Nothing personal," stammered Monty. "Must decline. Engaged you know."

"Precious gonna fuck," insisted the creature with an evil smile as she crawled on hands and knees across the cave floor.

"My God!" exclaimed Monty. "Is that the time? Must be off." But there was nowhere to go.


She leapt up onto his mushroom like a hairless monkey and the next thing he knew his clothes were being shredded by sharp teeth and long fingernails.

"Precious has cock," she hissed. "Sharon like cock."

Sharon, thought Monty. That was the name of one of the four women who went missing. So it was true. Not all of the eight were dead.

Monty was scared. He was scared stiff. All of his resolve flowed straight to his cock while the rest of him went limp.

Sharon's clit stood out prominently from between the hairless-lips of her pussy. She moaned as she rubbed it up and down the length of Monty's stiffness and dribbled pussy juice all over it. Once she had enjoyed this appetiser she applied herself to the main meal. She wrapped her bony hand around his throbbing cock and impaled herself on it. It was cold deep down there beneath the earth, but the inside of Sharon's cunt was as hot as a furnace.

"Precious has a nice hard cock," she hissed. "Long time no fuck. Pussy-licking not as good as fucking Precious."

Monty's brain ticked over. No cock. So the men had not survived. And she hadn't been licking her own pussy. So at least one of the other women had. But what had turned a normal woman into this thing?

Sharon had thrown her head back as she bounced up and down on his cock. She was pinching her nipples. Monty was surprised that, though she was quite skinny, her bottom as it sat down repeatedly on his thighs, was soft rather than bony. She might have been monstrous and sub-human but she was a hot little number all the same.

It didn't take her long to cum. A couple of minutes of rutting and she squirted a litre of pussy juice all over his cock and balls. But that didn't stop her. She just kept going. She went straight into another orgasm and another and another.

"Sharon's cunt love Precious," she hissed.

But Monty's stamina was not so great. After she had her tenth orgasm he couldn't hold back any longer and he jizzed in her juicy hole.

"Want more, Precious," she hissed, grabbing his floppy jissom-coated prick and slapping it back and forth.

"I'm all in," panted Monty.

"Want more!" insisted Sharon, anger possessing her features.

Monty improvised. He grabbed her, threw her down on his mushroom bed, and began wanking her off with three fingers.

"Want cock!" she insisted, petulantly, but she didn't put up any resistance.

"What made you like this?" asked Monty.

"Mushrooms," smiled Sharon. "Mushrooms delicious."

"You ate the mushrooms and they changed you?" asked Monty.

"Girls eat mushrooms. Guys see what mushrooms do to girls. Guys no eat mushrooms. Girls fuck guys. Guys die. Stupid guys," she explained.

"You fucked them to death?" cried Monty.

"Precious be smart," she hissed. "Precious eat mushrooms."

"Where are my companions?" he asked, as she quivered and squirmed and squirted over and over again, drenching his fingers in her hot juice.

"Don't know," she replied.

At that point another creature appeared from the passage into which Terence had disappeared. Another was behind her and as she emerged she dragged Terence's corpse behind her.

"He broke," the creature hissed sadly.

"Oh, my God!" cried Monty.

Then, out of another passage emerged the fourth creature, dragging Rosemary. Rosemary was stark naked and tied up with her own climbing ropes.

"Help me, Monty!" she cried. "She tied me up and did lesbian things to me!"

"Let her go!" Monty insisted to the three creatures as they squatted around the cavern drooling and masturbating and staring at him hungrily. "Fuck me to death if you must, but let the woman I love go free!"

"The woman you love?" queried Rosemary.

"I can hide it no longer," Monty insisted. "Though you loved another, my heart was ever yours."

"Just don't let them lick my hoo-hah any more," Rosemary pleaded.

"Eat mushroom!" ordered Sharon.

So Monty tore off a big piece from the side of the fungus on which he had been fornicating and shoved it into his mouth. It actually tasted surprisingly good.

Once he had swallowed it, Monty began to feel strange. An energy suffused his body, an over-whelming feeling of bliss possessed his mind and his cock got as hard as an iron bar.

"Coooooooorrrrrrrrrrr!" he groaned. "Precious want pussy."

He grabbed Sharon, flipped her over and started pounding her hard doggy-style, while pawing lustily at her tiny tits.

"Oh, Precious!" hissed Sharon.

Monty came hard, squirting quarts of cock-juice into the carnal cave-dweller's cunt. But his dick was still hard.

What was left of his mind wondered about freeing Rosemary. He hopped off the mushroom and crawled over to her.

I'd better untie these ropes, he thought. They probably hurt as they rub against her stiff pink nipples and push into the soft white flesh of her heavenly boobs. The way the rope rubs through the crack of her arse, right between the saucy cheeks of her spankable bum, chafing against her cute little wrinkled butt-hole and sliding roughly between the succulent lips of her cunt, must be uncomfortable, he reasoned. God he wanted to fuck her!



"What are you doing!?!" she screamed as he rubbed his cum-slippery hard cock all over her thigh. But there was nothing she could do. She was defenceless.

Monty crawled back over to the mushroom and grabbed another handful.

"Precious wants to fuck Rosemary," he hissed.

"You said you were going to let me go," she insisted, looking at him with pleading frightened eyes.

"Precious changed mind," he shrugged, pushing the handful of mushroom into her mouth.

Reluctantly she swallowed. Then he began untying her bonds. As he did, a profound change came over her.

When she was free, Rosemary smiled a big goofy smile, lay back, spread her legs and began happily wanking.

"Rosemary's a slut," she giggled. "Rosemary's always been a slut."

"Always?" queried Monty.

"Always," she insisted. "But now that I'm in the cave, I'm out of the closet." She pushed her left boob to her face and began happily sucking on the nipple.

"Precious wants his cock sucked," hissed Monty.

"Oh, Precious," Rosemary hissed back, crawling over to him and licking her soft wet tongue up the length of his rigid rod.

"One of us! One of us!" chanted the other girls. Monty thought of them as girls now, rather than as creatures. They all came in close for a group hug and grope and lick and fondle.

Monty realised that returning to the surface would be impossible now. The mushroom could sustain them, but it was addictive, he could tell. Controlling their sexuality was an impossibility now. He couldn't walk around with a permanent erection unable to keep himself from fondling and trying to fuck every woman in sight.

He knew that he would live out his life underground, but as he felt a sexy tongue licking his balls and another probing his butt-hole and felt wet pussies squirting their juices all over his body as they told him how much they loved "their Precious", he decided that he had no choice but to cave in to their demands and make the most of it.

The End

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