Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

You can find my humorous erotic ebooks on I-Tunes, Kobo, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords. They are always free!!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Shanghaied : Wank Wednesday


Time for another Wank Wednesday tale. To find out how it all works, and get links to the other stories, check out Ruby Kiddell's site The Erotic Notebook. And don't forget to let the writer's know if you liked their story.

Shanghaied




"You like to come back to my place for pork in plum sauce?" she asked seductively.

"I'm not sure that would be ethical," I pointed out. After all, I was supposed to be helping her to practice her English. The community centre would not be pleased if I started going home with the students.

"You like," she purred, stroking my knee. This time it wasn't a question.

Well, I was a volunteer. If the centre dispensed with my services, at least I wouldn't be out of pocket.

"O.K.," I agreed. "I'm kind of hungry. I do I like Chinese."

I had been captivated by her from the moment she walked into the room wearing a blue silk mini dress with a slit up the side and a Chinese dragon motif. Her long black hair hung down around her shoulders.

Fleur from Girls Out West
"Thank you for coming," I said. "Can I ask your name?"

"Mee Fuk Yu," she replied with a shy smile.

"I beg your pardon?" I queried. "Oh, I see. Yes. Of course. I'm sorry. Sometimes Chinese names come across strangely to Western ears. Please sit down. My name is Richard. Richard Head."

"Can I call you Dick?"

"No, I'd rather you didn't," I replied. "I prefer Richard."

"I like Dick," she insisted.

"O.K. Richard it is then," I declared. "Please sit down."

"Thank you," she replied, seating herself in the chair by my side.

"What has brought you to Australia?" I wanted to know.

"I am student," she answered.

"I am a student," I corrected her.

"Ah, you a student, too," she replied.

"No, I am not a student," I explained. "I am correcting your English. You should say 'I am a student'."

"But you say you are not a student. If I say you a student, I lie," she replied, earnestly.

"This is going to be a long night," I sighed.

"You a very handsome man," she said.

"You are a very handsome man," I replied.

"You can't tell I not a man?" she queried wide-eyed.

"O.K. I am a very handsome man," I sighed.

"You so vain," she responded.

"You're taking the piss, aren't you?" I replied.

"Making fun of you, yes," she laughed. "'Taking the piss'. I like that."

From that point we hit it off. And so it was that I ended up walking with her back to her flat, which was just up the road.

"Learning English most important for me," she was telling me. "To help me do well in agricultural studies. Our family has large silk worm farm just outside of Shanghai."

She lived in a small apartment building. We went up in the elevator and then along a short corridor.

"Please to take off shoes," she instructed. I did so. "Please to take off trousers." I did not do so. "Just taking the piss!"

It was a two bedroom apartment, with a large lounge room and a sizeable kitchen. She led me into the kitchen.

On the counter next to the refrigerator was a four litre bottle of plum sauce. Next to it was a small gravy boat filled with it. She dipped her finger into it and held it up to my lips.

Ami Chi from Girls Out West
"You taste," she instructed. "Most delicious."

I sucked the sweet tangy sauce off the end of her slim finger.

"You certainly have plenty of plum sauce," I pointed out. "Where's the meat?"

"I vegetarian girl," she replied. "No eat meat."

"But I thought you invited me back for some pork," I responded.

All of a sudden she pulled out the front of my trousers and boxers and poured the gravy boat full of plum sauce over my cock and balls.

"We cover ourselves in plum sauce," she smiled. "Then we pork like crazy."

Ami Chi from Girls Out West
She unzipped her dress and slid out of it. Underneath she was wearing plain white cotton panties and a matching bra.

The next thing I knew my pants were being pulled down. My white boxers were badly stained with purple plum sauce.

"Look what you've done to my underwear!" I cried. "You're going to have to do something about that."

"So, just because I'm Chinese, you expect me to do your laundry for you!" she replied, as she pulled down my shorts. "I love nothing better than to lick sweet and fruity oriental condiments from a gentleman's cock and balls!"

"You're not really Chinese!" I exclaimed.

"Australian born and bred. I've never even been to China," she explained, before licking the plum flavouring off of my plums.

"But why...?" I began.

"How else can the wicked Dragon Lady lure an unsuspecting victim back to her lair for a plum sauce porkfest?" she wanted to know.

Soon we were both naked and she was pouring plum sauce all over us from the four litre bottle. I was surprised at her strength.

"Ow, fuck!" she cried, as she slipped in a pool of the stuff and sat down hard on the messy kitchen floor.

"Let me kiss it better," I offered, turning her over and licking the sweet and tangy sauce from her soft silky butt cheeks.

"Bum like peach," she told me. "Easily bruised."

Ami Chi from Girls Out West
"It serves you right for the trick you played on me," I scolded her playfully.

"Mmmmm, cock stiff like bamboo," she sighed, reaching out and wrapping her hand around it. "The only kind of meat I like to put in my mouth."

"I can't help but pander to you when you're bare," I quipped, as I turned her over and began licking her breasts, working my way up to her stiff sticky nipples and then taking first one and then the other in my mouth for a long and tender suck.

Then we formed a sixty-nine. She slurped away happily on my throbbing cock while I spread her labia and sucked out the tangy sauce that had found its way deep inside. We writhed like a couple of mud wrestlers in the slippery sticky swamp that was the kitchen floor.

"Pork my pretty pussy with your pulsating prick!" she cried getting up onto all fours.

I took her doggy style. Sauce went everywhere as my gooey belly slapped repeatedly against her gooey ass.

"Oh, yeah!!!!!!" she cried, as she writhed in orgasm. And I basted the inside of her pussy with a special sauce of my own.

Ami Chi from Girls Out West
We giggled and joked as we cleaned up the kitchen floor and took a shower together.

A couple of hours later we were laying back naked in her bed.

"You actually believed that my name was Mee Fuk Yu!" she laughed.

"Well, what if it was?" I pointed out. "It would be impolite to question it."

"Actually it's Penelope," she told me.

At that moment the outside door opened.

"That'll be my sister, Prudence," she explained. "She lives with me."

Then, before I could cover my nakedness, the door opened and a girl walked in who looked similar to Penelope, but with shorter hair, and a slightly stockier build. She was wearing tight jeans and a pink t-shirt.

"This is Dick... er... Richard," said Penelope.

"Hi, Dick Richard," smiled Prudence. "Do you feel like shrimp with black bean sauce?"

"Food?" I asked, hopefully.

"No," Penelope explained. "Prudence is a foot fetishist. She's hoping you might like to lick some salty sauce off of her toes. Toe sucking is called shrimping, you know."

"I'll be nude," Prudence pointed out. She had already pulled off her shoes and socks and was wiggling her cute little toes. There was no point in denying interest. My cock was betraying me.

"I have to explain everything to him," Penelope told her. "He's a bit of a dim sim."

The End

4 comments:

  1. I loved this, it's very lighthearted and sexy too!

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  2. I don't know how you do it, combing the comic with the sexy rarely works.....but you seem to have a real skill for it. Bravo!

    Mollyxxx

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  3. The comic elements actually work very well with the erotic elements. A very good read.

    ReplyDelete